I just wanted to say a thank you really. The last year and in particular the last few months have been somewhat testing. I know I may have come across as depressing or miserable in some of my posts or going on like some old wassok in others (that may have been more in keeping with my usual posts)
The fact is that for a while back there I very much thought I was on the way out. Another fact I’ve learnt is that I don’t have the courage or bravery that many others with much more difficult and painful illnesses show on a regular, almost daily basis. I am in awe of those people that fight on and refuse to allow themselves (publicly at least) to be defeated by whatever horrible ailment has befallen them. I salute all of them and some are friends. You know who you are, and you will always have my love and support.
No, quite frankly I was scared witless. I felt anger, I felt despair and I felt so much sadness when I thought of my family, it was almost unbearable. The lowest point for me came one day probably in April or early May. I was trying to help Lisa out in the kitchen as Id been pretty much useless for a few weeks and tried to take the bin bag down to the bottom of the garden and the bin store. We have a tiny garden and about 15 feet from the back door trying to carry a very light bag of rubbish, I had to stop and rest. I put the bag down and used my walking stick to get me back onto the patio and the safety of a chair. I had no strength, literally couldn’t open a jar, I was in pain when I walked even just for literally a minute or so and only sitting down did, I get relief. I couldn’t sleep and wasn’t even going up to bed, choosing instead to doze in a chair.
Freddie, came out to the garden and took the bag to the bin. Hes 13, I didn’t ask him to do it , I didn’t even thank him. He came back and put his hand on my shoulder and the look in his eye was of such sadness and such despair it broke my heart totally. Fleetingly, at that point I did consider whether putting him, Lisa and Jake through this constant decline and worry, was the best option. And whereas I’ll never forget that look in his eye, I am as I said to all intents and purposes at heart, a wimp! It seems to me that the much easier option is to hang around a bit longer annoying people.
So like I said, I was a bit buggered all in all. Work in normal employment was impossible, I simply wasn’t strong or fit enough. I think I just about made it through my Council duties without letting the side down. Some of those meetings I went to and even chaired were some of the most testing of my life and I was constantly thinking of being in my chair at home, but we did it, got through them and that was thanks to my colleagues in my cabinet and my group, some other councillors, and some key officers. They also know who they are, it was them who put their hand under my elbow when I needed it. It was they who understood when I was short tempered or tired. It was they who stepped in when I was just too sick or tired to attend something. I will never forget that support and each and everyone of them will have my loyalty, always.
Those people, my boss in my day job and my family saved me. Ive no doubt about it. You hear of people giving up , I was near that and if they hadn’t been there, well I may not have been writing this blog.
Just, after the Black Bag incident we decided Id go and see a specialist consultant about me withering in the vine as it were. His prognosis and subsequent treatment have in recent weeks, Im hopeful, fingers crossed and horse shoes all over the place, started to make a difference.
I’m now feeling much brighter, I’m feeling stronger, I’m starting to lose weight and beginning to build up what I’m told is called my core fitness. Watching Freddie play cricket the other day I walked the boundary edge and only had to stop once. It was a slow walk but there were no crutches or even a stick, that’s a London marathon for me and would have been impossible just a week before.
I’m hoping that I’m over the worst, in fact I’m confident I am. Ill always have somewhat suspicious glands, organs that want to cause issues and other things that tend to misbehave but hopefully with the experts casting an eye over me, I wont again get to the point that I was. I have a long way to go but I do feel as if I’m on the right path and that is a wonderful thing to write.
With this new found optimism, I intend not only carrying on representing people and an area that are important to me, but now I want to make real change. More on that very soon.
But for now, just thankyou for not giving up on me and for putting up with all the misery !!
Your support, just you messaging me, saying hello , means an awful lot. People are really nice you know , we sometimes just have to give them a chance. Apart from the two councillors who tried to use my illness and subsequent weakness to try and damage me in the belief the time was right for a coup. You two had better strap your selves in because the old Cllr Gwilliam is coming back.
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