In this thing called life, as we go on our journey, head down life's motorway, create our own legacy or whatever way you describe the time from when your born to the time you peg it , we all have occasions when we have to stop, take a pause and say “ well flippin eck !”
A moment of realisation, an awakening or a moment of clarity.
Occasionally I find that for me those moments of clarity end up posing more questions than they may answer but I understand that may be a Tim issue rather than the norm.
I've written before about my mental and emotional frailties . The last time about how I was finding it difficult to adjust to no longer being Leader of the Council.
I wouldn't want either of my regular readers to come to the conclusion that I'm a hypochondriac or that I'm too self obsessed despite the latter being undoubtedly very accurate.
I have simply learnt that doing something as simple as typing feelings down on a laptop can help me just get to grips with things, so you'll have to put up with it, both of you.
I had such a moment listening to Radio Gloucestershire Anna King a couple of weeks ago. I won't go on again about the complete Horlicks of local radio being made by BBC bosses by pretty much forcing Anna and a number of her colleagues to leave in the name of progress but be assured that will come home to roost in time.
It was a lady called Deborah speaking to Anna about something called Imposter syndrome. It was something I'd never heard about before but felt an immediate connection with as the airwaves were filled with discussion and explanation about it.
For those , like me then, who were unaware of this mental health issue, its described via our friends at Patient UK in the following manner:
What is imposter syndrome?
Imposter syndrome is defined as: "A psychological pattern which causes chronic self-doubt and overwhelming feelings of inadequacy, often despite repeated success and accomplishments."
As the name suggests, this self-doubt makes us feel like we're imposters when we find ourselves in professional positions that require experience, skill and competency.
"What goes hand in hand with self-doubt and imposter syndrome is low self-esteem and a critical and judgemental inner voice," explains senior therapist Sally Baker. This inner voice is like a "drip, drip of toxic put-downs and unkindness".
We often discuss imposter syndrome in the workplace, but in truth a negative inner voice can accompany and impact us in all areas of our lives. It does, however, tend to affect our professional lives greatly because of the pressure to be competent at our jobs.
How can I tell if I have imposter syndrome?
The survey also highlighted some of the main beliefs held by people with imposter syndrome. You may have imposter syndrome if you find yourself agreeing with the statements below.
25% feel that their success is down to luck.
19% worry that one day their superior or colleagues will realise that they are under-qualified.
15% believe that they only got their job/promotion due to a shortage of candidates.
11% don't think that they deserve the praise they receive at work.
Although having no belief in your own abilities bears no relation to your ability to do a job well, imposter syndrome can start to affect your job performance negatively if your inner critical thoughts become too intrusive.
Signs that imposter syndrome may be having a negative impact:
Ignoring or trying to avoid positive feedback for work you have done.
Overworking because you are concerned you need to spend more time on it than required.
Not volunteering for projects because of the fear of failure.
I found this all fascinating and very telling. Id often referred to myself as feeling like the kid that won the raffle, was constantly commenting on my luck, my fortune to have been in the right place at the right time , all those signs.
It gave me a timely ( I'm currently seeking a new job role) nudge to address this once and for all and to get to the real reasons as to why I felt the way I do.
Being the devilishly brilliant broadcaster she is , Anna teased this out of me in double quick time.
Losing my mother at 6 months old and not knowing her, the difficulties of childhood, which although happy and one I'm so grateful for, did come with its challenges.
No money, second hand clothes, and haircuts by my sister made me a clear target for name calling ( Oxfam and Cuffy being two favourites) and all round mickey taking, I know the kids that did it meant no harm , just kids being kids and I hold no bad feelings toward them.
We didn't have any money , there were five of us and Dad wasn't able to work , he needed to be there for us.I would not swap or change my Dad or my upbringing for anything
However there were times it was difficult. I recall when I was 12 or 13 and a keen cricketer and I got into a District selected team. West of Severn they called it .In the practice sessions after school I would see the other team members with their whites and carrying their own bats , Grey Nicholls or Stuart Surridge.
I had to borrow whites from the coach and after raising the topic of possibly getting a bat to play this important trial with , I was faced with not being able to explain to Dad that I couldn't use the toy bat that he had gone to the paper shop and spent the last of his family allowance on. It was one of those that comes with toy stumps and a red tennis ball in a net. I remember taking it with me on the sunday morning of the trial and hiding it in the woods before going to the club.
My boy is now that keen cricketer and I realise now why I'm constantly making sure he has the right bat, equipment and kit.
Hes 14 , plays for Ruardean and has about 6 bats to choose from.
Ridiculous.
See where I'm going with this?
Not being as good as everyone else ?
But it seems that even these lucky dips into my emotional past are just consequences of the real trigger for feeling like I'm lucky or a fraud when I succeed and Anna got it out of me without really having to try.
I'd always felt almost lucky compared to my brothers and sisters. I didn't know what it was like to have Mum there like they did. I didn't have a sense of loss like they did.
What you have never had , you never miss right ?
But as the radio queen , to whom I will always be thankful explained ;
Never having a Mum, having such a huge hole ( and my Dad was the greatest ever and I will never damage his memory) is going to have a massive effect on any young kid when they see what just about everyone else has.
We had so little that I did feel lucky for anything, I got used to making do, so having new stuff being successful, being praised was all new. It still doesnt sit right within me.
The fact is , although she died before I knew her, my Mum played a huge part in my life by not being there.
Looking back it's just clear, all this worrying , the anxiety, the way I was with girlfriends in my youth, fearing they would leave me, all adds up and I see that now.
A sad addition is , the lung disease that she died from (sarcoidosis) could probably be treated today.
Alas not 50 or so years ago.
The simple fact is , because I didn't think I had a right to , I've never grieved for Mum.
We didn't talk about her, there were few photos, I don't even know any members of her side of the family.
I don't know if it's too late to begin that grieving process, but I will address it . Although I may always have this anxiety, this feeling of being an Imposter , I will learn to address it , that I can do.
I am capable and I am deserving and that needs to be something I remember. I won't become egotistical ( more than usual anyway) but I'm good at what I do.
So to Anna , thankyou for talking to me. ( interview link at the top of the page from BBC Sounds hopefully)
And to Rosie Irene Gwilliam ( Jean), Im sorry I never knew you , and after all it seems I really do miss you .
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