I sat at my kitchen table, I felt my knuckles crack as my fists clenched so tight the longer fingernail of my right hand had broken the skin. I was about as angry as I can ever remember being .............and I have a hint of ginger hair ! That's how angry I was. I had just told someone on social media in a private conversation to "Go away " in similar language to what was being used towards me after they had suggested I had done nothing and the council had done nothing to assist with peoples issues around Corvid 19.
The phone was on speaker and I was aware the new , very bright and very progressive COMM's lead was asking me questions but I was unable to really hear what he was saying. I had about 6 or 7 major issues in my head. All of them equally as loud as the others. That part of my brain that allows us all to put other things to one side and concentrate on the subject at hand wasn't kicking in, My head was a loud and unwelcoming place, It was a disco , no, it more than that , it was a rave. But instead of playing techno or Paul Oakenfold , it was playing 12inch versions on loop of, Budget proposals, investment strategies, local plans and grant provisions. It was throwing in heavily based mixes of work problems, family health worries and Covid-19 and all linked in to the sampled beat of online abuse , threat and spite.
I wanted these "tunes" to be just top forty entries I could forget about and put to one side but I couldn't. They were all number one smashes ,huge hits like that Titanic song and they were all demanding the same air play , the same attention. I had pretty much run out of any spare attention
I remember being able to summon up enough control to bring an early end to my phone conference and sitting at the table, alone apart from a concerned spaniel and asking myself firstly why I was putting myself through this , we do after all do all we do, lose all the sleep, try to help people , try to make it better when everyone thinks I am either crap or corrupt or both. Also I was worried about what would people think of me if this bloke did what he threatened to do and use previous conversations we had had to edit , to take out of context and make me look bad.
I looked down and saw the blood in my clenched fist and also noticed a tear fall from my cheek onto the notepad on the table.
That was my first real foray into a mental health concern.
Luckily, oh my lord ! just how luckily ,I have my Lisa, who at about that moment came down from her office and sat at the table. I opened up to her and from then have spoken to my doctor and a few other people.
A diagnosis of nervous exhaustion and stress related issues and an instruction to take some time off, work , The council and social media is having the desired effect. I now have regained my perspective on things , I understand where I was and why I had got to that position. I wont forget it as its taught me a number of important lessons and I know I cant just jump back into things , I need to make sure Im well and things will have to change.
The online abuse and the threats came from among others someone , who wanted a grant, thought I would be able to push it through and reacted when told that's not how I or our Council works. I had done what I could do on his behalf but due process and officers see the end stuff, the checking etc , they sign that off not ( thankfully) us mere Councillors. I understand his desperation, he may well be skint, facing God knows what and Covid 19 and lockdowns and pressures are making people do and say all manner of things . Im trying to be decent there and I know my family , friends and fellow councillors who are aware of the threat and the abuse would be less charitable about the chaps behaviour but I need to deal with things in my own way. Id rather put his acts down to his desperation rather than just spite and bile.
I cant even begin to imagine the pressures on those Doctors and Nurses, NHS teams , supermarket workers and our own officers this last 12 months. I'm just a politician or the office manager and they are really at the coal face. That they do what they do day after day, with this incessant life and death pressure is a remarkable feat . Council officers dealing with the hungry , the homeless or businesses desperately looking for some floating debris in an ocean of lockdown and closures are similarly true heroes.
Many of the pressures that got to me , I brought on myself. I was too involved in my cabinet members portfolios, wasnt delegating, was worrying about everyone and was worrying about what people thought of me. I was worried about getting sick , more worried about Lisa getting sick. I was worried for my boys. I was worrying about local businesses about the team that works for me in my day role. I was worried about my job, I was worried about the vendetta from an opposition Councillor , there wasn't much I wasn't worrying about.
In Local Government we have to accept that we cannot be all things to all men. Sometimes we have to make strategic decisions that really matter to people. Sometimes some people don't like these decisions.
But they are made, in my Council at least ( for thats all I know) honestly and with the good of the Council and the community at heart.
Ive now learnt to remind myself, that I am a decent honest Councillor. I do care , I do try and I do my best to get to the right place for everyone.
I might not be very good at being a Councillor, I might be a rubbish leader! That's entirely a judgement for those that have to see me in that role to make, but please don't say that I don't care, that we don't lose sleep, that we don't try , that we don't worry .Like the vast majority of Local Government representatives I do.
I started using my enforced layoff to take part in a Leadership Academy course last week. Its already taught me to accept that other people have issues, that they work a certain way and that we have to sometimes adapt.
Its also reinforced to me that yes, maybe I am worthy of this position , I am worth listening to and that I do have something to offer.
My mental health had me doubting those things, thats how it manifests itself within me. Now I know it I can face it and I can deal with it. I can ignore the negative.
If you have any issues with mental well being, please talk to someone. Just having someone to tell all this stuff to makes such a difference. It shines a light on your issues and you can take them apart
I will be back at the helm when Im ready. I intend being a better Leader, councillor and person for this experience, some may see it as a weakness but for me its another experience for me to call on.
I also know that the world doesnt revolve around social media !
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